Realizations
by Brooks's-Babey
Summary: On one of the happiest days of his life, Jay meets a handful of people from his past whom he has done wrong to in the past. COMPLETE... for now.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairings:  
****Jay/Alex  
****Jay/Emma  
****Jay/Spinner  
****Jay/Jimmy  
****Jay/Toby**

**DISCLAIMER: Nothing is mine except for the names of the kids and Emma's hubby.**

* * *

**Realizations**

"What are you doing here?" Jay tapped the blonde on the shoulder and turned around to see Emma's older, but still beautiful face staring back at him. He remembered the eyes like he hadn't seem them in years. In reality it had been so much longer than that though. She was two years younger than him, so she had to be about 22 or 23.

"I'm hear to meet my husband from work. He's a surgeon."

"Husband?" Jay asked astounded that there was actually someone out there good enough for Greenpeace.

"Yeah. His name is Jason, ironically enough." Emma seemed reluctant to divulge that information.

"Can't keep away from us Jason's can you?" Jay asked with a big grin on his face.

"Whatever." Emma brushed off his vulgar comment, wishing he'd just go away.

Jay noted the expression on his face, and realized that it was time to apologize to Emma for everything that happened back in high school. "Look, Em." He started unsurely.

"Emma." She corrected him.

"Right, of course. Emma. I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything."

"I don't believe you." Emma said arching her eyebrows.

"Well you should. I've changed. It's been nine years since I was kicked outta school, and its been nine years of maturity. Back in high school I was a jerk. A big horny jerk that had no thought for anyone but myself. I treated you and so many others like shit and I'm truly sorry, OK? For everything I ever did to hurt you."

"Do you know what?" Emma said in a small voice.

"What?" Jay asked, fearing a rebuff.

"That sounded genuine."

"That's cuz it was!" Jay said smiling proudly.

"Why are you here anyway?" Emma asked, conjuring up all manner of reasons in her head.

"Alex." Jay answered monotonously and Emma couldn't figure from his tone what he meant.

"Is she OK?" Her voice sounding genuinely concerned.

"Yeah!" Jay began smiling again, but this time it was a happy, delighted smile. "She just gave birth to our second."

"You have two kids?" Emma sounded shell shocked.

"I know, pretty amazing, huh?" Jay sounded dazed. "We got our little girl, Daniela who's two and a half, and our new little girl born yesterday. Doesn't have a name yet." Jay got his phone out and showed Emma a picture first of the toddler, Alex's dark complexion, Jay's striking blue eyes and a mixture of the two's dark straight hair, then a picture of a tiny baby with her eyes screwed shut and a head of familiar looking dark hair.

"Oh my God she's tiny!" Emma gushed.

"She was three weeks premature. Like her sister." Jay said sadly.

"Well they're both beautiful children. You and Alex are lucky."

"Hell yes I'm lucky. After her time with Paige, I thought I was doomed. But... I got her back."

"Must be that irresistible Hogart charm."

"Exactly." Jay chuckled light heartedly.

A man dressed in navy scrubs was approaching. He was young like them, mid twenties, fair skin, brown hair, not too tall, not too short.

"Hey baby, who's your friend?" The man stopped at Emma and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"Jason!" Emma hopped up on her tiptoes and gave him a dignified kiss on the cheek. "Uh, this is an old friend from high school."

Jay held out his hand and greeted this new Jason. "Hey man, I'm Jay."

"Nice to meet you man, Jason." He introduced himself formally. "You ready to go Emma?"

"Sure." Jay wasn't sure if he was imagining things, but he was sure he detected a hint of sadness and reluctance in Emma's voice. She bent down and picked her handbag up off the floor before turning to Jay with a small half-smile. "Congratulations on the baby, Jay. I'll see you again, maybe..."

She turned and Jason linked his arm around her, his hand coming to a rest on her ass.

"Bye, Greenpeace." Jay whispered as she walked down the corridor, and turned a corner, out of sight.

- - - - -

Jay stood by the elevator waiting for what seemed like hours, and it still didn't arrive, so he decided to take the stairs. He descended the stairs quickly. He scaled three flights of stairs in a short time and as he turned to go down the fourth set, he ran slap bang into a familiar figure. He was bald like Homer Simpson but thin and gaunt like a beanpole.

"Hey Spin, I haven't seen you for... ages. What are you doing here?"

"Check up." His voice was weak and flat.

"Check up?" Jay asked, unsure of what he was referencing.

"Cancer came back." Spinner replied, showing no sign of emotion.

"Oh God man, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. It's not like you caused it." Spinner said, making eye contact for the first time.

"Yeah. About that. All the stuff that happened in high school. I wanna apologize."

"Jay, I'm not in the mood for your crap." Spinner said, sighing heavily.

"I'm serious, Spin. The Rick thing, getting you expelled, loosing you all your friends, screwing up your life. It was my fault. I'm sorry."

"How come you've had a sudden attack of conscience??" Spinner said slowly.

"I saw Greenpeace this morning, too. I need to make amends before I go back to BC."

"Why, you scared the plane'll crash if you got a guilty conscience?" Spinner asked, looking to the floor again.

Spinner was harder to get forgiveness from than Emma, and Jay wasn't expecting it to be such an uphill struggle.

"Spin, I just wanna clear the air. So I know we're cool again, no hard feelings. I am genuinely sorry. I've moved on from that dickhead I was in college. I've got two kids now. Me and Alex, who'd have thought it, eh?"

"Do you want a round of applause?" Spinner shot back sarcastically.

"No." Jay said solemnly. He knew Spinner was going to make him pay for this. "I just wanna know that there are no hard feelings." Jay repeated.

Spinner took a deep breath, then looked up. "Have a good life, Jay. See you another time." He shuffled off in the opposite direction, clutching his side as he moved.

Jay watched him go, and felt a sickening lump in the back of his throat rising. He swallowed it down and tried to ignore the temptation to be sick.

- - - - -

"I saw Spin." Jay told Alex. He stood at the window soaking up the sun that was filtering in through the glass. He held his little girl in his arms and stared down at her with a look of content and jubilation on his face.

"Where?" Alex asked wearily. She was leaning back on her pillows, her eyes drooping.

"Uh, cancer ward. His cancers back." Jay said sadly.

"Did you have a nice chat?" Alex said as if she didn't hear Jay say Spin's cancer was back.

"Yeah..." Jay confirmed, half truthfully. He had apologized to Spinner, and he wasn't sure if Spinner had 100 bought it, but he'd done as much as he could and even if Spinner wasn't totally forgiving, he knew that Jay was sorry. And that was better than how he'd left things with Spinner when he ditched Toronto for British Columbia after getting Alex back.

"That's good..." Alex said quietly. Jay turned to see her eyes had completely closed and she was sound asleep. He looked from his new baby to his fiancée and relished in the fact that he was happier than he'd ever been. When he took Alex and the new baby home tonight, to their own apartment, and Alex's mom bought Daniela back round, he'd have his own little family all together. He couldn't wait.

"Mr Hogart?" A nurse entering the room broke his chain of thought.

"Oh hey." Jay whispered.

The nurse smiled kindly. "The nursery is ready for your daughter now. Looks like both your special ladies are in the land of nod now."

Jay smiled and nodded in agreement.

He followed the nurse to the nursery to place his daughter in the crib so she could sleep before he took her home that night. He gently kissed her forehead and headed down to the gift-shop on the ground floor to get Alex something.

- - - - -

He stared out of the window as he waited in line to pay. Outside, there were hundreds of people flitting too and from the hospital. He thought he saw a recognizable figure walking towards the doors, but he told himself it couldn't be him. For one thing, it was just too weird that such a high number of people from Degrassi would be in the same hospital at the same time on the same day. And another, the last time Jay had seen this guy, he didn't have the use of his legs.

He got to the end of the queue, payed for his things, then headed out to the elevator. "Jason Hogart?" A deep voice called him over.

He was right! "Jimmy." Jay looked up at him. When he was out of his wheelchair, Jimmy was way over six foot, taller than Jay.

"I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me." Jimmy said dryly, his voice dripping in sarcasm.

"No, it's me." Jay said unsurely, feeling like he was swimming with sharks.

"What are you doing here?"

"Alex has just had our second baby. A little girl."

"Oh. Congratulations." He said in a similar sarcastic tone to Spinner.

"What about you?"

"Routine check on the old spine. You know, the one I got a bullet through cuz of you."

Jay knew this one was gonna be hard. "About that man, I'm so, so sorry. I really am. You don't know how sorry I am."

"How long have you been practicing that one?"

"I mean it, Jimmy." Jay insisted, feeling useless. Jimmy leaned forward resting on his crutches. "I hate what I did. It was stupid. So stupid."

"Yeah it was." Jimmy confirmed bitterly.

"But I've changed. I've got two daughters now. And I own the garage, and me and Alex are gonna get married next year."

"Well it sounds like you got everything you wanted."

"How about you? How are things?" Jay tried not to sound fake.

"Me? Single, renting a place. No kids, no girl, no job. Life's peachy." Jimmy said angrily.

"But at least you're walking again, hey? That's gotta be a weight off your shoulders, right?"

"It's one pro against about a million cons. It's mediocre." Jimmy shot back.

"All I can do is ask for your forgiveness. If you're not willing, then at least I can say I tried. I am truly sorry for everything back in high school, but it was a long time ago."

"That doesn't make it OK!" Jimmy spat incredulously.

"I know! I know, that's not what I meant!" Jay insisted. "I gotta get back to Alex, but once again I am very, very, so sorry for what I did. I hope in time you'll realize that."

As Jay was on his way back to Alex, he saw yet another familiar face sat in the café. He headed over, and his target spotted him from afar.

"This is the last place I expected to see you." Jay observed. Toby still looked frightfully nervous being around him, and that triggered unheard of emotions in Jay.

"Yeah, uh I haven't seen you in... years." Toby stuttered shakily.

"I've been in BC." Jay explained. "Me and Alex have just had another baby. That's why I'm here. She wanted both our kids to be born in our 'homeland'. We go back Friday."

"Both your kids?"

"Yeah, two girls. Daniela and No-Name." Jay smiled. Toby could tell by the wistful look in his eyes that Jay was quite possibly the proudest father in all of Canada.

"That nice." Toby was lost for words. "I'm training to be a doctor."

"I'd never have thought it. I thought you were a computer nerd?" Jay asked insensitively.

"Ha, thanks!" Toby seemed to be loosening up. "I got stuck in a rut. I needed a new direction. I applied here and it's been the making of me, it really has. I even got a girlfriend."

"Woah, Toby Isaacs the stud!" Jay laughed.

"Her name is Sophie. She's perfect." Toby said happily.

"Well good for you man. Listen I gotta get back to Alex, but before I go I just wanna say I'm sorry for everything that happened in the past, at Degrassi. I was a jerk back then, and now I'm ashamed when I think back to what I did with Rick..." Jay trailed off, not wanting to finish his sentence.

"It's OK man. It's been nearly ten years. I think you paid for it anyway."

"Well, thanks man." Jay felt he'd accomplished something, and he was proud of himself. "I hope all goes well with the job and the misses. I'll catch you later." Jay shook Toby's hand then turned to return to Alex on her ward.

- - - - -

That night, Jay and Alex took a slow ride home to Alex's mom's house, with newly named Zara in her car seat in the back. Alex had the phone glued to her ear listening to little Daniela babble nonsensical phrases down the phone to her.

"Jay, Daniela says hello daddy!" Alex announced, turning the phone to loudspeaker.

"Heyo Daddy!" Daniela's voice came from down the phone. Jay and Alex smiled at each other. "I got a sister daddy!"

"You sure have, baby! We'll be there in ten minutes OK? Be good for grandma!"

"Daniela, can you put grandma back on the phone? OK... I love you too... bye! Hey mom." Alex turned off loudspeaker and chatted to her mom for a while.

Every few seconds, Jay took his eye off the road to check little Zara was safe. He'd done his best today to make amends with those people he'd screwed over in the past. Everyone had moved on, with the possible exception of Jimmy and Spinner, but those were the two people he expected to get a hard time from, so somehow that made things easier.

* * *

When they got home, Alex and Emily were transfixed cooing over new baby Zara, while Daniela played contently with her toys. Ellie and Sean were there too. Jay could see that Sean was getting slightly panicked by Ellie's new found brooding.

While everyone was distracted by the baby, Jay took five minutes to go upstairs to the spare room where he, Alex and the kids were temporarily staying. He unzipped his duffel bag, rooted around to the bottom, pulling out random garments as he did so, until he found his hat at the bottom. He flattened out the peak to its former glory and put it on, the rim of the material feeling comfortable around his head. It was familiar and comforting to wear a hat. It had always been part of him. He looked at himself in the mirror. Twenty six years old and he still looked the same as he had when he was seventeen.

A few more years of experience and life etched into his face, that was all he could place as different. Clothes? Black backwards cap, black tee and jeans...

Some things would never change...

* * *

**What did ya think to that? The idea just came to me and I wanted it out! So here it is!**

**Please R&R!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I've decided to extend this into a full story. I don't know how many chapters it will have, but for now here is the second one. Hope you like it, please review I wanna know what you guys think and whether it is worth continuing.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except for the names of Alex and Jay's kiddlywinks!**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO**

Jay and Alex had another five days in Toronto at Alex's mom's house before they were headed back to British Columbia. They lay in bed just before six thirty in the morning. They stared out of the window at the beautiful Canadian fall that was settling in. Little Daniela was asleep in her travel crib, and baby Zara was also laying sound asleep in her Moses Basket. The couple had been blessed with two excellent sleepers. That was where they took after Jay even more than just their looks.

Jay, with his arm thrown over Alex, entwined his fingers around hers, admiring the rock that he'd presented to her almost three years ago.

"_Lexi, can you go to the kitchen and get me a beer please?" Jay asked._

"_I just sat down, Jay!" Alex whined, sighing heavily. She was a little over eight months pregnant with her and Jay's first – unplanned – baby. Her protruding stomach was huge, her ankles were swollen and she was in no way shape or form in the mood for slaving over Jay._

_Jay had been sat comfortably on the sofa for the past two hours, feet propped up on the coffee table, beer in hand, watching the game._

"_I know, but I'm tired from work."_

"_This is the first day you've been in all week!" Alex pointed out angrily. "And that wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't Thursday today!"_

"_Please, Lex?" Jay asked, smiling oddly._

"_Fine!" Alex agreed, exhaling loudly and reluctantly. She heaved herself off the couch and waddled into the kitchen._

"_You'll see the crate, cant miss the box." Jay called to her as she walked past him, swatting him on the leg._

"_Box, meaning your casket?" She sniped as she passed._

"_Love you too!" Jay shot back laughing._

_Alex disappeared into the kitchen and Jay could hardly contain himself. He jumped off the couch and stepped to the doorway that lead into the kitchen. He watched as Alex stopped dead in her tracks in front of his crate of beers. "Oh my God..." was her only response._

_Jay cleared his throat, and she spun around._

"_Jay?" Alex uttered, not sure what to say._

_Jay stepped into the kitchen and took the small black velvet box from atop his 18 pack of Bud, and dropped down to his knee. "Alexandra, will you, please, do me the honor of marrying me? I love you so, so much, it's scary." Jay flipped the box open to reveal a silver band ring with a dark blue sapphire surrounded by tiny diamonds. It caught the light and glinted, like it was a sign._

_Alex screwed her face up. "You do look cute knelt down on one knee..."_

"_Was that a yes? Do I need a second opinion? Can I take that as a yes?" Jay asked smiling mischievously._

"_Yeah." Alex said quietly. She looked at Jay and began grinning. "OK, I can't keep a straight face! I do! I really, really do, I love you to you big idiot!"_

"_Me big? Look at yourself, fatty!" Jay joked, placing two hands on her bump, before pulling his future wife into their first kiss as an engaged couple._

"_Hey, you were a bit brave acting like such a jerk these past few days."_

"_I guess I was taking quite a risk." Jay admitted, his ecstatic smile still painted on his face. "But I had to so that I'd look like more of a hero when I proposed."_

"_Well luckily for you it worked!" Alex exclaimed as her new fiancé pulled her in for another kiss._

"_Hey baby, I love you I do, but I've gotta go and make a few phone calls." Jay said, kissing her forehead before darting back to the living room to use the phone._

_A few moments later, Alex heard Jay telling Sean that "she said yes, buddy! She freakin' said yeah!"_

Thinking about Jay's proposal always bought a smile to Alex's face. She'd been getting really down with attitude in the days leading up to it, but then the extent of his jerky behavior was rounded off in such a perfect way she really didn't care.

They had a long engagement. During the time of their engagement they'd had two daughters, but they hadn't really thought about actually getting married. Being engaged with kids was enough for both of them, and it had been for three years, so why rock the boat?

She lay next to him, soaking up the time they had together and relishing it. Soon, Daniela would be up, and Zara would wake up, demanding attention. Daniela was such a daddy's girl, she'd latch straight onto Jay's leg and not let go.

"Jay?" Alex's husky voice broke the silence.

"Yeah?"

"Did I hear you say yesterday that you saw Spinner?"

"Yeah. At the hospital on the... the cancer ward." Jay was reluctant to say it, like his words were causing Spinner more pain or something.

"God, I haven't seen him since we left Toronto."

"Yeah, it's been a while." Jay said sadly. He didn't really want to discuss it, he felt guilty enough as it is, he didn't need reminding of his guilt.

"What did he have to say? Did you tell him about Daniela and Zara?"

"Yeah. He wasn't very... forthcoming though."

"Oh." Alex knew that the difficulty of Spinner and Jay's past wouldn't just wash away with one visit. Jay was quite persistent, she was sure that Jay would hound Spinner until he got forgiveness. And that could take a while...

- - - - -

Sure enough, a little over three minutes later, Daniela began whimpering in her crib, which set little Zara off too. Jay was designated to grumpy Daniela, who was worse in the mornings than a hangover on your wedding day. Alex cradled the newest addition to the Hogart clan, still not quite being able to grasp the fact that the same jerk that had cheated on her back in high school was her future husband and father to her two daughters. She also couldn't believe that this same "jerk" had stuck by while she briefly thought she was a lesbian, and persisted enough to win her back after all that, put up with her hormonal bitchiness, and even end up popping the question to her.

It was difficult sometimes, living this life, when she thought about all she gave up when she left Paige. Being with Jay was living the good old fashioned simple life. Drinking together, having the occasional smoke – which obviously she hadn't done in a while – spending hours just indulging in each others company. She may have been bitter, but she did adore the time she spent with Jay.

Still, with Paige it had been hella different. They were living the high life. Well, Paige was. Great job, great prospects, hectic social life. Alex hadn't had a proper job since the strip club, even four years later, she'd tried her hand at numerous temp jobs, but hadn't stuck any out longer than six months. Soon after, their relationship began to hit the rocks. Before it had been kisses, hugs and meals out together in fancy restaurants, now it was arguments, cold looks and nights spent sleeping in separate beds. Then within the space of a week, things picked up and changed drastically. Jay appeared back on the scene, "Palex" died and Jay and Alex were reunited in all their ex-trailer park glory.

* * *

It was easier when they took the kids downstairs and Emily was there to assist. Jay sat at the table, this time holding Zara. He held her tightly, like she was glass that would shatter at any minute, and fed her a bottle. Alex had never breastfed, said she found it weird. Jay just thought it was another excuse for her to pass the kids to Jay when they got a bit rowdy.

He had big stuff on his mind. He needed to get to Spinner before... before it was too late. He shuddered at that thought. It reminded him of the shooting at school way back when.

_The news that someone had been shot and Rick was dead traveled fast. Jay's gut churned as people speculated who it was; Sean, Spinner, Jimmy, Toby... Things had dropped so drastically. He had gone from being insanely proud of he, Spinner and Alex for pulling off the prank so well, to being struck dumb with fear that Spin could be dead._

_Of course, when he found Spinner in the hallway as they were evacuated, he was relieved. But then Spinner had told him it was Jimmy and he felt sick. If Jimmy died, they'd be responsible for murder... Of course, thank God he didn't die. They didn't go to prison, just he and Spinner were expelled. The next year, Spinner tried to make amends, and thanks to Jay, he suffered another set back in the form of Darcy Edwards. Jay vaguely remembered her face. She was a pretty girl, nice hair he remembered. He wondered what she was doing with her life now, almost ten years later._

_Jay decided promptly not to return to Degrassi after that. He was gonna make it big, he could taste it. He had his job at the autoshop. Over time, things could only get better, right?_

Emily was tossing Daniela up in the air, and the dark haired young one was shrieking ear-splittingly loudly in delight. The sound of his oldest daughter bought him back to the here and now.

"Hey, mom can you look after Daniela for an hour, we're gonna take Zara for a walk." Alex announced. This was news to Jay.

"Huh?" Jay asked in confusion, looking at Alex with a stumped look on his face.

"Come on." Alex ordered, her voice quiet, almost urgent.

- - - - -

"Well that was random."

"Huh?" Alex had her hands stuffed deep in her coat pockets. She shuffled her feet and fixed her gaze on the sidewalk ahead of her.

"Randomly deciding to go for a walk at like seven in the morning."

"Yeah, but I needed to get some fresh air and I wanted you to come with me." Alex said simply. There was something about her tone that was almost child like.

Jay pushed Zara in her stroller. She was bundled up in about ten cardigans, swaddled in two blankets and the hood was up around the stroller to shield her from wind and passing debris.

"OK." Jay agreed with what she said. They walked on a couple of hundred more yards in silence.

Jay was beginning to grow tired of the secretiveness. This awkwardness was not sitting well with him at all. "OK, what's the real reason we're out here?" He demanded to know, staring ahead fixedly, making sure he didn't make eye contact with his other half.

"There's something I need to tell you, Jay." Alex was looking away. Jay knew that because he couldn't help himself glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, even though he'd promised himself he wouldn't.

"W- what?" Jay stammered, he suddenly clammed up. He didn't want to hear what Ale had to say, it would be bad news. His heart was hammering in his chest as Alex cleared her throat and poised her mouth to talk.

"It's Paige isn't it?" Jay exclaimed, jumping to conclusions like he usually did.

"What? No!" Alex scoffed incredulously. "I haven't heard from Paige since before we had Daniela!"

"Well what is it then?" Jay sounded defeated before he even knew what it was Alex had to say.

"It's about Spin."

* * *

**Please let me know what you think, I need some feedback from you guys! Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a bit AU, but only a teeny bit, like with details, dates and figures etc. they had to be edited to fit in with the story. :D **

**Oh and I know there haven't been K-Mart's in Canada for like ten years, but I got it into my head that Alex should work there, so I don't care, hehe. :D**

**Please review guys! I've worked so hard! Thanks to all that have so far!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

* * *

He was now worried. He had to stop walking. He realized the bitter rush of the fall breeze invisibly battering against him. What the hell did Alex have to tell him?

He couldn't muster the words. He looked at his fiancées expression, twisted and fearful. He prepared himself for the worst news, but really, he wasn't prepared at all. Alex's looked like she was chewing on a lemon, all distorted and difficult to read. She looked up at him and her brown eyes had guilt written all over them.

"What are you gonna tell me, Alex?" Jay asked restlessly. His heart was hammering almost out of his chest. He had no idea what was coming, and he didn't want to know.

"Spinner got in touch."

"What!? When?" Jay had to bite his tongue to stop himself jumping to conclusions.

"Last year." Alex admitted timidly.

"What?" Jay repeated in bewilderment. "What's he doing contacting you?"

"He-"

"Look, Alex if you've got some little secret from your past that you need to tell me then just stop beatin' around the bush and just spit it out, OK?" His voice was shaky and got higher as he went on.

"It's nothing like that!" Alex scoffed, not maintaining eye contact with Jay. He noticed the colored part of her eyes quiver unsurely as he examined her for traces of a lie.

"Why was he calling then?" He inquired suspiciously. He folded his arms across his chest. Alex felt intimidated by his manly pose.

"He saw your dad's obituary in the paper. He wanted to leave his condolences, but you were at work, so he just asked me to pass on the message."

"So why didn't you?" Jay asked with a hint of anger decorating his tone. Alex was unsure. At the time, when Jay's dad died, he was an unsettled mess. They were living in BC, and Jay's dad died in his prison cell back in Toronto. They hadn't been there when he died, and it had affected Jay more than Alex ever thought possible. Up until his death, Alex had been under the impression that Jay didn't get along with his dad. But of course, his opinion would alter when he found out he'd died.

"I don't know." She finally settled with. "You were a mess, and I just thought-"

"Thought what?" Jay interrupted viciously.

"Let me finish!" Alex snapped sternly. Jay wasn't going to trample all over her. "You were a mess and I thought that hearing from Spinner again would just add to it."

"I thought he still hated me, Alex! You shoulda fuckin' told me! I coulda sorted everything out years ago!" Jay exclaimed exasperatedly.

"He didn't call again." Alex added.

Jay let out an aggravated sigh and run his hand through his hair. His hand was shaking with a mixture of anti-climatic nerves and anger. "Whatever. From the looks of what I saw yesterday, he wouldn't have wanted to talk to me anyway."

* * *

There was a suffocating atmosphere back at the house between the new parents. Emily was slow, but she wasn't completely dimwitted. When she found Jay sat in the kitchen miserably sucking on a beer, and Alex in the living room simultaneously cradling both fretful Daniela and sleeping Zara, she knew better than to ask questions.

Jay's now empty can was still of use to him. He tapped at it and enjoyed the sound it made. He crushed it in the middle and spun it around like a vinyl record, the tossed it in the trash, bored with it all of a sudden.

His past was not something he was proud of. Especially what happened with Spinner, as a result of his foolishness. They both lived with the guilt of what happened to Rick for months, but Spinner was way more wracked than Jay. He lost his friends, his girl, his place at school, his shot at graduating. Jay never got hellbent over education. Spin was different though. He wanted to – needed to - apologize and turn his life back around to how it was before Jay fucked it up for him. Eventually, he managed that. But then ultimately, none of that mattered obviously. Somewhere between Jay and Alex leaving for BC, and them coming back for Zara's birth, Spin's life had coming crashing down around him for the second time, but for once it wasn't Jay's fault. That wasn't to say, though, that Jay wasn't going to try and do something about it.

* * *

Darcy Edwards, divorced at twenty-five. Not exactly what you'd expect from a Christian girl. Darcy never thought she'd end up like that, with her being a devout Christian most of her life. But when you've believed in something for such a long time and it turns around and kicks you in the teeth, its heard to keep the faith.

Darcy wasn't in the mood to answer the phone. So it's shrill cry rattled through her boxy apartment like the toll of a funeral bell. The answer machine cut in, and for the ninth time that morning, her ex husband Peter's smug voice bounced off the walls.

"It's Pete, answer the phone. I know you're there, Darce-"

She hated that nickname. "Look, I've left a fucking million of these messages, you've really gotta start getting the idea soon. I've still got a tonne of your stuff at our house-"

It was not _their_ house anymore. She'd been gone for four months.

"Swing by sometime and get it, we need to catch up and I can talk you outta this stupid divorce idea."

- - - - -

Peter didn't say goodbye, he just hung up the phone with a loud rattle. It was true, he had a box of Darcy's stuff that she'd left after leaving in the such a hurry. But he wasn't really interested in trying to win her back. He'd just do it. He didn't beg, he was a man. Too much of a man. He was arrogant, forceful and vicious. But he didn't think that. Just everyone else around him. Hell, even his own mother had disowned him at the age of 17.

Jay flipped open his cell scrolled through his list of contacts. Alex, Brian, Danny, Gary, Isaacs, Neil, Pete Stone, Richie, Sarah, Violet, Work. No-one of much use to him there. He set his cell down on the side in front of him and leaned back on his chair, shutting his eyes tightly.

"Don't do that, you'll fall off it." A solemn voice behind him made him jump. He shot up and the wooden chair clanged to the floor noisily. Alex sighed audibly and picked up the chair, as Jay stood back and watched her in anticipation.

"Why are you looking at me, I can feel you looking at me." Alex said as her bobbed back up.

"I'm not looking." Jay said airily. Alex arched her eyebrows skeptically. "I'm observing."

"Who are you? David freaking Copperfield? Quit trying to be all mysterious and confusing."

"Alex. Stop it, OK?"

"Stop what? I'm not doing anything."

"Yes, you are! You're being a bitch. Stop it, I'm sorry OK?"

"Jay, don't call me that again." Alex requested, keeping her voice level and calm.

"Stop doing shit to warrant me calling you it then!" Jay retaliated.

"Jay, it's not me you should be mad at, it's yourself. For being such a bad friend to Spinner."

Jay opened his mouth to argue back but his breath caught in his throat and he was stunned into silence. Alex had hit the nail right on the head. She was right, completely right. He wasn't pissed at Alex, he was angry at himself. He'd been miserably drowning his sorrows all morning, thinking he was mad at Alex for withholding stuff from him, when really he was wallowing in self pity.

"What, have I hit a nerve, Jay?" Alex asked, folding her arms across her chest confidently.

Jay turned back to look at her, his mind swarming with so many emotions. "No, you're completely right, Lexi." He said snappily.

Alex was shocked. She hadn't heard that nickname in years. She hadn't heard that kind of sincerity in Jay's voice for said amount of time.

"Jay, are you OK?" Alex asked, mirroring his seriousness.

"I need to see Spin. I can't let anything happen to him without clearing the air first. I want him to be at the wedding."

"OK, thats..." Alex trailed off as she registered what Jay was implying. They were both mature enough to face up to the fact that Spinner was seriously ill with the cancer, and he may not have long to live. That meant... Jay wanted to bring the wedding forward.

Alex was happy with the way things were coasting along steadily. She had the two kids she wanted, she had to boyfriend – eventual fiancé – she wanted, she had the small time job in the K-Mart to return to after maternity leave that she wanted. She didn't know if she wanted to be married yet. Jay was working all the hours God sent for minimum wage, and Alex was coming to the end of her last paycheck she received before going on maternity leave just three measly weeks before Zara was born.

* * *

Darcy Edwards-Stone sat alone on the couch, her knees pulled up under her chin. She hugged her arms tight around her skinny legs and swept the bit of metal through her tongue around her teeth making a clinking noise. It had been four long months since she'd seen Pete, but he'd made sure she didn't forget the sound of his voice. He'd left a grand total of 478 messages since the split, each one Darcy had deleted before it had a chance to speak. She unlaced one arm from around her legs and tugged at the crucifix around her neck, as she always did when times got tough. Her apartment was a mess. She'd slept on Jane Valieri's couch for almost a month after she finally walked out on Pete, and she'd been in this apartment for less than three months and it was already an irreparable disaster zone. Tilting towers of dirty crockery, piles of un-ironed laundry, take out cartons and encrusted mugs littered the place like an outbreak of cholera. She looked around the small, stuffy, frankly smelly room in despair. She'd gone into wrack and ruin. Her whole lift had.

The shrill sound of the phone jumped her out of her depressing trance. Three rings, and she decided to crawl achingly over to the phone to check the ID. Well, she didn't know the number. Hopefully it wasn't Pete. Cautiously, she picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" Her croaky voice came out suspicious and intrigued.

"Uh, hi is that Darcy?" A voice asked on the other end. Darcy recognized the voice as someone from her past. But she didn't know the voice well enough to pinpoint it to an owner. It did trigger some kind of reaction in her mind, but she just couldn't place it.

"Who's this?" Darcy asked nervously. Could it be...?

"It's Jay. Jay from school."

"Jason Hogart?" Darcy uttered the name infamous of Degrassi's former superbad thief and Lothario.

"Yeah. Hi Darce." He said sheepishly.

"I thought you were Pete."

"Pete? Peter Stone?"

"Yeah." Jay was silent. "My ex husband." Jay had serviced Pete's car recently in Vancouver. This set off alarm bells of confusion in his head, but he kept that from Darcy. He suspected she already knew what he was like, hence the separation.

"Ex? Well, that's unexpected. Little virgin girl Darcy divorced!"

Darcy hated that word 'virgin'. It set off so many memories and nightmares in her head. "What do you want, Jay? Cuz if you're just gonna harass me, I'm hanging up."

"No! Don't, I'm sorry. I need to talk to you though."

"What the hell? I haven't spoken to you in, like, ten years. And how the hell did you get this number anyway, bozo?"

"Bozo? Christ, am I speaking to the 1930's?" Jay shot back, subliminally distracting himself from the daunting task in hand.

"I'm hanging up."

"It's about Spinner!" Jay blurted out.

"What?" Darcy uttered in rigid fear. She hadn't heard that name in years.

"I need to meet you somewhere. Soon. I need to speak to you, it's important."

"Why can't you tell me now?" Darcy pressed.

"I wanna tell you in person. It's only fair."

"OK, Jay you're scaring me now! Tell me!"

"Where are you at nowadays?"

"Right in the center of TO."

"Perfect. Where can I meet you? I need to see you today. Before it's too late."

"Come down to the fountain. Ten minutes, OK?"

* * *

Alex frowned as Jay pulled on his hat and sucked out, claiming he'd be back in an hour.

"Where are you going?" Alex called out as he slammed the door.

"Out!" Jay called back, but the distance, and the fact there was a closed door between them denounced his speech.

Alex was exasperated. She hadn't realized it before, but recently, everything seemed to be working against her.

"_Alex, I've been offered a promotion." Paige began slowly, her look sheepish and anxious._

"_That's great... I think." Alex tried to kiss her girlfriend, but Paige turned her head so it landed on her cheek._

"_There's more." Paige looked away as she spoke._

"_Look at me when you talk to me Paige. Have the heart to."_

"_Alex, please don't make this any harder." Paige's faced was screwed up into a pained expression._

"_Why can I sense you're gonna break my heart?" Alex run a hand through her long dark hair._

"_The jobs in New York."_

"_The US? Wow..." Alex didn't quite know what to say._

"_Paige, you've only just turned twenty-two, how can you have such a high flying job already?"_

"_Twenty two? I've left it late Alex! Andrea has finally offered me this promotion, after six unholy years as a PA and you can't be happy for me! I'm the one making something of my life!"_

"_Did you just punch me in the face? Cuz that's what it felt like!" Alex vaulted off the couch and paced angrily._

"_I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." Paige slapped a hand to her forehead despairingly. _

"_Really? You've always been like this! Throughout our whole relationship! Eight and a half years together in total and not once have you encouraged me, or appreciated what I try and do!"_

"_Alex, you work in K-Mart! You'll probably still be there in ten years!"_

"_See? You're a fucking liar! You mean everything you say! You look out for number one, always. You don't give a shit about anyone else. I'm meant to be your fucking girlfriend! In this past week I've hung out with Jay more than I have you!"_

"_So from that, how do you figure I'm the bad guy?"_

"_I've been hanging out with Jay again cuz you're always working or going out to dinner with Andrea and the 'crew'. You know I wouldn't be surprised if you're screwing her."_

_Paige stood up and slapped Alex round the face with a look of surprise on her face._

_Alex just stepped back and looked at Paige in disbelief. She looked like perfection: loosely curled honey blonde hair, flawlessly made up, black shirt, black pencil skirt, pink Manolo Blahniks and magenta accessories. And then Alex looked down at herself. Her baggy red K-Mart polo hung off her slim frame, her black combats and Adidas sneakers were depressingly identical to the ones she rocked in high school, circa her time with Jay. Her hair was pulled into a scraggly bun and she wore just a bit of smudged mascara, no blush or foundation on her tired face._

"_I'll get my stuff and go, OK?"_

"_What?" Paige was struck down. She hadn't meant for things to go this far, for them to balloon out of control so spectacularly._

"_This isn't working. And it hasn't been for a long time. Admit it. I have." Alex walked into their bedroom. Their purple cover was messy from where she'd fell asleep – still fully clothed - just an hour ago, to be woken by Paige's annoyingly cheerful sing-song tone. Her own bed clothes were strewn on the floor on her side of the bed where she'd woken up late for work. Paige's side was pristine. No mess, no clutter, just organization._

_Alex dragged her duffel bag off the top of the wardrobe, went to the chest of drawers and grabbed up her clothes in big handfuls, just throwing them in without care._

_She picked up her cell, a book and a handful of money from the end table, and opened the drawer and rifled through it right to the back._

_She shut the door quietly behind her, not taking a last look at Paige. She knew that if she did, she might not go. She was a fool to stay with her all this time. Alex was holding Paige back, and Paige was holding Alex down. It was a no-win situation. _

_She stood out on the corner, wishing she'd had time to change out of her work clothes. She flipped open her cell, her battery was flashing low, but she had enough time to call the one person she knew she could rely on._

She and Jay had been reunited that day, and as they say, the rest is history. The photo album she'd retrieved from the back of the drawer before she left was something she kept with her at all times. On the trip from Vancouver to Toronto, the last thing she packed before she was happy to leave the house was that photo album. Battered and old, with a peeling brown leather front and a ripped back cover, it looked like crap, but it had been in Alex's possession for twenty six years and she didn't intend on replacing it with a new one. Despite Paige's persuasion...

* * *

"Jay?"

Jay studied the girl stood before him. Darcy was a girl headed straight for heaven. A good girl. But this girl was such a shadow of her former self it was tragic. Her brown hair was long, ratty and greasy. Her baggy clothes hung loosely off her frail frame. Her jeans were discolored and her shirt looked like it belonged to a guy. The ends of her tangled hair knotted together in a matted fashion. She had a crucifix necklace around her neck, just visible through her mass of hair. Her face was gaunt, her eyes hollow and her skin dull.

"Jay Hogart. I didn't actually believe it was you. But it definitely is." Darcy joked, peering at him as if looking through a magnifying glass. Jay was surprised to see as she spoke that she had a tongue piercing, and as she leaned forward and her clothes gaped she had a few tattoo's too. "What do you have to tell me?"

Darcy seemed optimistic. That's what made it even harder for Jay. Jay noticed that despite her, for lack of a better word, haggard appearance, her smile still shone like a star.

"I never thought I'd be speaking to you again." Jay began unsurely. "After all... that, at the beach."

"Yeah!" Darcy scoffed. "All that for a guy I haven't seen in six years." Darcy added sadly.

"Speaking of Spinner..."

"Jay, you've got me all worked up, you need to tell me what you know."

"This isn't easy."

"Jay, please! You're scaring me!"

"OK... He's got terminal cancer. Probably no more than a month to live."

Darcy's face fell and tears automatically started to fall from her devastated brown eyes.

"Spin? No, he can't be..." Darcy's breath caught in her throat as she processed this news Jay had just given her.

Jay noticed a huge lump forming in his throat that battled him as he tried to talk. He swallowed it away and looked back to Darcy. She looked broken.

* * *

**I worked really hard on this chapter and I'm very proud of it, so please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I haven't written in forever, and I haven't updated this story in yonks, so without anymore delays here is chapter four of Realizations!**

**I have no idea about Canadian phone numbers, so I just made one up, its very fake looking I know, but hey.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except for the names you don't recognize from the TV.**

* * *

Jay felt awful. Darcy had been crying in his arms for the past fifteen minutes, and it didn't look like she was going to cease. People were staring in horror, like Jay was wielding a gun, and it was making him feel more than very uncomfortable. Speaking of uncomfortable, he didn't feel right being so close to Darcy. In the space of almost ten years since he'd last seen her, they'd had absolutely zero contact, and they'd hardly left things on the greatest note.

"Uh, Darce, stop crying yeah?" Jay comforted her awkwardly.

"How long have you known?" Darcy choked out through the tears.

"Since Monday."

"So you've only just found out too?" Jay nodded. "How can you be so calm and cool about this? I thought he was your best friend?" Jay detected a hit of anger in the tiny brunette's voice.

"Was. He _was_ my best friend." Jay corrected her firmly. "And I can't show I'm upset because someone's gotta keep you from self destructing. I've heard about you and Pete, Darcy. You can't let him keep treating you like shit for you to just go running back to him. He'll think it's OK to do that, and it isn't!"

"Jay, don't make this about me. I'm not important right now. I just can't believe what you've told me about Spin." Darcy sniffled and wiped away more tears that threatened to diminish the rest of her sentence. "What do we do now?"

"He's agreed to meet me on Saturday." Jay had lied before it even registered in his mind what he was saying. "Y' know, before it's too late."

"Jay, you're truly brutal."

"His words not mine." Another lie.

"Can... can I come with you to see him?"

Jay panicked now. He had to find an excuse. "Uh, umm, well I would say yes, but..."

"It's OK." Darcy interrupted before Jay could fine the words to finish that sentence. "I understand you want to see him before... you know. I get it."

"Look, I promise I'll ask for you on Saturday and call you as soon as I know something, OK?" Jay offered sincerely.

Darcy smiled weakly, but Jay could see she was touched. "Thanks, Jay."

"No problem, Darce." He smiled softly and gently toucher her arm. "Bye."

"See ya." Darcy took a deep breath and tried another smile, a stronger one this time. She formed a small wave with her hand and watched as Jay disappeared into the crowd.

* * *

Jay felt like he was walking around town with Darcy's heart on a spear. He'd never been one for dealing with bad news. The death of one parent, abandonment of another and the guilt of murder by association still hadn't gotten him used to it. When he got home, Alex was sat on the couch with her knees up by her chin, looking to be waiting for answers.

Jay looked at her sat there looking so small and vulnerable, but he tore himself away from it to do what he knew he had to. This lie he'd told to Darcy wasn't going to resolve itself unless he actually got hold of Spinner one last time and tried to make peace with him.

After nigh on an hour and a half of thinking and calculating and getting more and more frustrated, he'd come to the conclusion that the only person he knew in Toronto (that he was willing to speak to anyway) that would have a number for Spinner... was Paige.

The next big challenge was finding Paige.

* * *

Alex wouldn't let Jay get away with this easily. She grew tired of listening to his angry sighing and muttering coming from the kitchen, so she finally marched in there and confronted him. She wasn't ready for what he told her though.

"Alex, I need you to get back in contact with Paige."

Alex grinned. She wasn't sure if Jay was entirely serious, or if he was trying to be funny, but it definitely wasn't working. "What?" She asked sharply. "Is that supposed to be a joke?"

"No, actually it isn't. I need to get Spin's number from her. Jeez, don't think about yourself all the fucking time, Alex."

Alex felt crushed. "Oh."

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Jay said bitterly.

"Well, I don't really have a number for her anymore."

"Alex, don't lie to me."

Alex contemplated this for a few minutes, before she reluctantly scribbled it down on a piece of scrap paper for Jay.

"Wow, I thought you might have it in your address book, I didn't expect you to know it off by heart." Jay commented uneasily as Alex handed him the scrag of paper.

"Well, you know me... _Jason_." Alex purposely banged shoulders with Jay as she relocated to the other room.

While she heard Jay dialing repeatedly in the kitchen, Alex tried to busy herself by focusing her attention on Daniela, but for once, the little girl was just playing contently, when Alex wanted her to be loud and attention grabbing. She couldn't disturb Daniela because she knew in the long run that would just add insult to injury, so she just laid back on the sofa and held her head in her hands.

* * *

Jay picked up the phone to dial, but after entering just three digits, he pressed the 'End Call' button and held the phone out at arms length, as if it was contaminated. He tried again, but hung up after one ring. Just as he picked it up to try for a third time lucky, the sound of the phone ringing in made his heart flip. He dropped it from his grip in surprise, but quickly got a grip of himself and prepared to answer it. He took a few deep breaths and bought the receiver to his ear expectantly.

The intense and continuous pulse of the ringer was enough to drive the sanest of men over the edge. Jay never wished for anything, he was happy with his lot, but this once he wished that Paige would pick up the freaking phone.

A small, candy-coated voice answered and Jay wasn't sure how he managed to speak back.

"Hi, uh Paige?" Jay panicked.

There was a rustling silence on the other end before the same sugary, high pitched voice squealed out for 'mom'. Jay heard a familiarly confident, gratingly aggravating voice approaching, laughing joyously. "Can mommy have the phone please, Cassidy?" Paige's tone was condescending and it made Jay mad, but he wasn't about to offer parenting advice to his arch nemesis.

"Hello?" Paige sang out cheerfully.

"Hi." Jay said slowly, wondering if she'd recognize the tone.

"Who's calling please?"

"Paige, it's Jay."

"Jay Hogart?" Paige queried, sounding somewhat scared. "What do you want?"

"Don't worry, I'm not here to mock and abuse you, I need a small favor?"

"What kind of favor?" Paige asked skeptically.

"A small one." Jay repeated facetiously.

"I know, you already said that. What favor do you want Jay?" Paige said again, her tone hard.

"I need Spinner's number."

"I'd never thought I'd see the day you asking me for a guys number. When did that happen, Jay?"

"Shut up, Paige." Jay muttered uncomfortably. So Paige didn't know of Spinner's predicament. That much was clear. He was now in a quandary of whether to tell her or not. She'd ask why he wanted it, no doubt.

"Why do you need it?" Paige asked, as if by magic.

"I need to make amendments... for previous high school scandals that will, remain nameless." Jay was impressed with his quick thinking improvisational skills.

Paige was dubiously silent for a few minutes, and the sound of his heart hammering in his chest was threatening to deafen Jay, but finally she spoke up.

"OK, get a pen and paper." She sighed reluctantly.

* * *

That obstacle was easier to get passed than Jay had hoped. He was no sat with Spinner's number in one hand, and the phone in the other hand. He had the supplies, all he needed now were the balls.

Alex stood in the doorway leaning casually against the frame. Her nonchalance drove Jay to the edge. He didn't want to do this, but he couldn't avoid it. If he did, it would be too late. And Darcy was expecting it. Lying about something you originally had no intention of doing was a slippery slope, and Jay was descending fast.

"Jay, just do it, for Christ sake." Alex scolded as Jay picked up the phone and put it back down for the ninth time. "The phone's not gonna bite."

"I know that, stupid. I'm not scared of the phone, I'm scared of what's on the other end."

"Jay, this is a matter of life and death. Literally. You said so yourself you don't have much time, so get a move on." Alex ordered forcefully. It seemed a metaphorical kick in the spine was what Jay needed. Jay ushered Alex out of the room dramatically as the call connected and rang continuously.

Spin's groggy, croaky voice cut in after a handful of rings, and Jay's heart lurched as he realized it was the answering machine.

"You know what to do, leave a message at the beep."

"Hey, Spinner? Spin? Gavin, I don't know what you're calling yourself nowadays. I got your number from Paige. It was very, very awkward, so I hope that you won't just ignore this. I... I need to see you Buddy. I left things all up in the air last time, and the time before that, well, I won't even go there, Anyway, dude, get back to me, I'm at Alex's mom's place. The numbers 555-2693. Bye."

Jay felt giddy as he put the phone down. He'd done it. All he had to do now was wait for Spinner to get back to him.

* * *

**What did you think? Please review :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Well, this is the final chapter. Please review it, let me know what you thought, I'd love to know. All reviews are welcome! If you are a newbie or an oldie (lol) please leave your mark on the reviews page!**

**Thanks Degrassijayandalex for the input!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. And I hope you guys don't hate on me for what happens.**

* * *

Jay didn't get a call back from Spinner. Nor did he get together with Spinner and Darcy one last time. On Thursday November 21, Jay got the call he dreaded most. It was Spin's mom Laina. He'd passed away in the night from complications due to cancer. Jay thought it was just testicular, but he later found out it had spread all through his body to his stomach and eventually his liver. There was nothing doctors could do for him, and the cancer slowly but surely took over his body. His sluggish and painful death was aided only by the reassurance that when this was over, there'd be no more suffering.

The news hit Jay like an 18 wheel truck. He thanked Laina for the news and hung up the phone robotically. He fell back onto the couch and just sat. He couldn't process the news. Like, he knew it was coming, but that couldn't prepare him for actually acknowledging his one-time best friend was gone. Forever. Things had turned to concrete around him. He wasn't sure if his heart was still beating. The blood was soaring around his head, deafening him and making him dizzy, but he felt dead and cold inside, like a big chunk of him had just been ripped out. Essentially, it had. He was aware of another presence entering the room. Alex sank down slowly next to him and swung her legs up and sat crouched in the fetal position. She rested her head on his chest and hooked an arm around his waist, burying it in the depths of the cushion he was leaning against. He sat rigid and still for a moment, before he put his arm around her and hugged her tightly. The comfort and reassurance that came from having somebody that close to you that you could just hold forever if you needed to, it made things a degree easier.

They didn't speak. There was no need to. They just sat together for what seemed like an eternity, but it wasn't a moment too long. Alex knew what had happened and she didn't need to rock the boat by asking for verification. She wanted to say something, but still she didn't.

* * *

Suffocating atmosphere was something Jay had been subjected to before now, and he didn't like it one bit. He escaped upstairs leaving Alex sat on the couch. She knew to leave him alone when he needed it. He stood above Zara's crib watching the tiny, tiny little girl lying there innocently and magically. She had a clean slate, nothing to worry about. She had the whole world at her feet and the rest of her life to live out such experiences and achieve milestones. Sometimes life just wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Spinner had lost his fight to cancer. He was only twenty six. Jay would even go as far as to say it wasn't fair that he, Spinner and Alex had got away with what they did to Jimmy and Rick. With Rick, it was kind of a double edge sword. Like karma. He did bad stuff, so ultimately something really bad happened to him. But in the grand scheme of things, was that really the answer? No.

He reached down and oh-so-carefully picked Zara up. She was so small. He couldn't remember when Daniela was this small. She was a bounding flurry of energy now, he barely got cuddles from her. She was so a mommy's girl it was unreal. But little Zara might be different. As he held her carefully and closely, he mused at how one life was just starting as another had just ended so untimely. He wasn't sure why he was so surprised though. If this life had taught him anything, it was that life just isn't fair. He of all knew people knew that.

* * *

"I got the call on Thursday evening. The day it happened." Jay explained mechanically. He'd been here before, delivering heartbreakingly difficult news to Darcy, and it hadn't got an ounce easier either.

Darcy was shattered. "I have been dreading this day since I saw you. I had no idea it'd be this soon, though."

"I know it's had. I'm really sorry." Jay tried to soothe Darcy but he felt useless.

"I can't believe it's happened. I honestly thought it was something I'd imagined."

"I wish it was." Jay commented grimly.

Darcy looked to him for support, so he took her in his arms again like he had done before, and held her until enough time had passed he realized he had to be getting back to Alex and the kids.

"Uh, Darce... I really gotta be going." Jay said slowly ending his way out of the embrace.

"Oh, sorry Jay." Darcy said apologetically. "I guess I'll be seeing you pretty soon then. Call me with details?"

"You got it." Jay touched her arm thoughtfully and walked away feeling like he'd just resurrected a destroyed Darcy then proceeded to rip her head off and pour paint thinner down her throat.

* * *

Friday November 29 was a dark and dismal day. The rain had thus far held off, but with another half an hour before the funeral started, the charcoal gray clouds rumbled ominously, and Jay doubted they'd make it through this dry. He'd arrived looking very dapper all in black, black suit with a matte black pinstripe, black shirt and black tie. Alex was by his side in a simple black trouser suit, minus the jacket. Zara and Daniela were at home being looked after by Emily. Jay took hold of Alex's hand protectively as they made their way into the waiting area of the cemetery. As they stepped from the gravel to the polished wooden floor, the click of Alex's skyscraper heels drew attention to them immediately.

Jay kept his head down but Alex pranced in there with her own head held high. Jay was blushing, and he could feel his cheeks getting hot, but he hoped that he didn't look stressed. He sneaked a sly look around and realized the ratio of people he did know to people he didn't was pretty much equal. That was a relief in itself.

He stood by Alex like a bouncer. The first person to approach them was none other than Paige Michalchuk, who soon informed them she was now Paige Adams. She was hiding her eyes behind huge sunglasses, but when she took them off, her blue-green soul windows were bloodshot and she was wearing no mascara. Her cheeks were puffy and she looked like she'd cried a river of tears. Jay stood by feeling extremely uncomfortable as Alex and Paige held each other in an emotional embrace for what seemed like a life time. As they pulled away Jay saw his future wife had tears in her eyes. As an automatic reaction he grabbed her hand. All these familiar faces being reunited for such a tragic event was beginning to get to him, Jay, the toughest cookies of them all. He felt an unnerving knot tightening in his stomach and his nerves got the better of him as he had to bite his lip not to let his true emotions slip out. Paige didn't say much, but soon she made her reasons and excused herself. Alex didn't say anything either, they just looked at each other poignantly for a second and then parted ways.

"Are you OK?" Jay managed to choke out through his crippling fears.

Alex didn't think she could face words, so she just nodded and fell miserably forward into Jay's arms. As Jay held her he looked across the room to see something he never thought he'd see. Darcy and Paige were clutching to each other in floods of tears. Sworn enemies, arch nemeses, Paige and Darcy spent the latter part of their high school years fighting for Spinner's love. Now here they were comforting each other in the pain that they were both feeling. A dark haired woman was making her way nervously over to Paige and Darcy. Jay studied her hourglass figure and pretty face. He didn't recognize her, but he had a feeling he knew somehow who she was. She stood tentatively behind Paige and touched her shoulder feather-lightly.

"Ter!" Paige exclaimed, turning a few heads. She threw her hands up to her face and enveloped the new arrival in a huge bear hug. She lowered her tone. "Oh my gosh, Terri, how long has it been?"

"I can't believe whats happened..." Terri too was crying. The girls held each other even tighter and Paige broke down into a nervous wreck once again.

"Who's that?" Alex asked lowering her head toward Terri.

"Terri. The one that Rick... y'know."

"Shit, that's _Rick's _Terri...? She's beautiful."

"Yeah, I heard she became a model."

"You can tell." Alex observed.

"It's so great to see you again, Ter!" Paige inhaled deeply and wiped away tears from her face. Terri did the same and Darcy sniffed loudly. "Oh, god, Terri this is Darcy. My... friend."

"Hi, Darcy Edwards-Stone." She introduced herself before she even had time to think about it.

"Hi, I'm Terri. Terri MacGregor."

"Oh! I've heard a lot about you." Darcy said shaking Terri's hand politely, remembering Spin saying how special this girl Terri had been to him. Darcy could see why. This woman stood before her was beautiful, dark hair, crystal blue eyes, curvaceous figure.

"All good I hope." Terri joked, though her voice shook with the imminent threat of tears.

Darcy just smiled back and tried to laugh. She felt like there was a limit on her words, and she'd just used them all up for the day.

A minister arrived a few minutes later to inform them they had ten minutes til kick off.

"I'm slipping out for a cigarette." Jay informed Alex. Alex, a one time smoker, had given up when she got pregnant with Daniela and hadn't touched a cigarette since. If truth be told, Jay missed having someone to have a smoke with.

He soaked up the irony of smoking at the funeral of someone who died of cancer while he lit up and savored the smoke in his lungs. He was trying so hard to be strong for his girl but the pressure of this day was eating him up and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. A small dark haired Chinese girl was flitting around outside with a cellphone clamped to her ear, keeping up appearances. Kendra. Spinner's sister, Jay remembered. He'd seen so many people that he hadn't seen since high school, it was an uphill struggled trying to put names to faces.

Kendra hung up the phone forcefully and looked over to Jay smoking. She approached him confidently. "Ugh, what a prick. Mind if I join you?"

"Uh, no not at all." Jay was quite surprised that such a small person could be so feisty.

"Thanks. I need some normality today, I think I'm gonna eat my own head if people keep walking on so many frickin' eggshells." She huffed busily while rotting around in her bag for her cigarettes.

"Urgh, got a light?" She asked, looking up at him with stressed brown eyes.

"Sure." Jay handed over the lighter and she sparked up gratefully.

"Life saver, thanks." Kendra passed it back and took an extremely long drag.

Jay laughed, pointing out the errors in that sentence. Kendra smiled tiredly and threw her head back to rest against the wall. "When did things get so complicated?"

"Tell me about it." Jay sighed bitterly.

"I hate him." Kendra announced forcefully.

"Who?" Jay asked.

"My brother. Gavin Mason, aka Spinner. I hate him for leaving me. Why couldn't he have just got better? The big idiot."

Jay had seen this type of dealing before. Kendra was in total denial, using anger and acting as a way of coping with the worst thing that could have happened. "Everything happens for a reason." He had absolutely no idea why he said this, he just did. Like stupid word vomit.

"He picks his moments though, doesn't he?"

Jay couldn't think of a response, so he just chuckled flatly.

They stood together taking long drags in silence until a question popped into Jay's head. "Who was that on the phone?"

"My husband. He's supposed to be here but he's stuck at work. Ha, work. Next joke. This is the one thing I wanted him by my side for and he's undoubtedly off fucking one of the interns." Kendra spat angrily.

Jay was used to this kinda attitude from girls, he'd had a lifetime of Alex. "I've been there, done that." Jay said, referencing his famous high school infidelity.

"So I am right? All guys are cheating liars."

"Some of us are, yeah." Jay confirmed unhappily. "I learned my lesson though. I didn't know what I had til she'd gone."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, but then I got her back. And I'm never letting her go. She's my world. We even got two kids together now."

"Congratulations. I'm glad your wife trusts you."

"Oh, she's not my wife. We're engaged though."

"Good luck with that." Kendra took another drag and flicked the butt to the ground. She stamped it out thoroughly and made her way back into the waiting room. "See you later."

* * *

Alex, Jay Paige, Jimmy, Terri, Darcy and Ashley all had a row of seats together. Jay expected the atmosphere between all the mixtures of ex couples and flings to be awkward, but no-one was concerned about that as the service started. The guests were invited to stand as the family arrived and the coffin was bought slowly in. As the light wood casket adorned with white roses passed by the Degrassi gangs fourth row line, Paige let out a strangled scream and fell forward in despair. As she fell to her knees, Jay, who was sat next to her, lunged forward and caught her. She clung to Jay for dear life and cried hysterically. Ashley, who was sat at the end of the row leaned forward and watched with tears in her eyes as her former best friend broke down.

Alex had to swallow hard as she clamped her eyes shut and listened to the heart-wrenching organ music mixed with Paige's bloodcurdling cries.

Terri felt so awkward. She hadn't seen these people in over ten years, and some of them, namely Alex, Jay and Darcy, she didn't even know. She'd come here rather begrudgingly, nervous about seeing all these old faces. She just wanted to say her final goodbye to Spin, but things were proving to be much more difficult than she anticipated.

"Welcome, friends and family. We're here today not to mourn but to celebrate the life of Gavin Reginald Mason, and embrace the opportunities that we did have." The same minister from earlier began the service, and everyone sat down when ordered to. Jay, sat on the end of the row, he and Ashley like bookends, sat alone awkwardly as Alex put her arm around distraught Paige. He listened as the minister continued singing Spinner's praises. He couldn't help but to think to himself it was typical how they'd tried to sidestep all the bad shit that happened with Rick. Jay and Alex both knew what the minister was referencing when he mentioned highs and 'forgettable lows'. They exchanged looks, but Jay dismissed it and switched back to looking to the front.

Jimmy and Spinner's friendship had suffered with the hands of time. The call from Paige to tell him Spin was dead was the first thing remotely to do with him that he'd heard of in a long while. After high school, they both went in their different directions: Jimmy went to Amsterdam for eighteen months for intensive therapy and training, while Spinner decided to try and pursue music. God knows that didn't last long.

Darcy was numb. She couldn't cry anymore. It was all too real now. Seeing the casket just a few feet away from her, knowing Spinner was in there, knowing he was gone. It had all got serious now. And she knew she wasn't trapped in the middle of some horrific dream.

Ashley was in a similar boat to everyone else. As the studied the line of ex-Degrassians, not one of them, herself included, had been there for Spinner when they should have been. He had no girl, no kids, nothing to keep him going.

Jay wondered what happened to that girl Jane. She was his chick the last update Jay got. Of course, it had been more than a little while, things had undoubtedly changed since high school. That was for sure.

* * *

As the service drew to a close and they were relocated outside, Jay found himself in a crowd of girls. As great as that may have sounded, he would have given anything to be anywhere else. Jay was holding onto Alex, who clutched at Paige, who was being comforted by both Terri and Ashley. Darcy stood being comforted by Jimmy, an unlikely companion for her.

The early fall winds whistled hauntingly. The sky was completely blanketed in cloud, not one blue break of sky was to be seen. The Degrassi gang stood away from the proceedings as the casket was lowered into the ground. In turn, the whole congregation was invited to toss in a handful of dirt. They slowly and almost reluctantly formed a queue behind the other guests and took it in turns to do the ritual.

"I'll see you up there, buddy." Jay whispered as he threw his dirt.

"I love you, honeybee." Paige spoke quietly and blew him a small final as she gave him her own send off.

"We'll rock the place when we all get up there with you." Alex muttered as she threw her handful of soil.

"Goodbye Spin, take care." Ashley chose.

"I'll never forget you, Spinner Mason." Darcy choked out as she threw her handful.

Jimmy took a deep breath, and swallowed his pride. "Love you, dude."

They all gathered again in a huddle and joined in the prayer. Their boy was finally out of his misery, and they'd be seeing him soon.

* * *

**:( There ya go. If I get lots of reviews and I feel its worth it, I might do another chapter in a few weeks that features a Jalex wedding. Opinions?**

**Please read and review this chapter! I'd love to know what ya thought!**


End file.
